A Thanksgiving Post

Christmas began last Friday, the day before my son's memorial service. We were so occupied during the weekend that its arrival didn't really register until we were driving home from the graveside service on Monday. It was then that I noticed Christmas music on the radio, decorations on buildings, and later on, the inevitable rush of "super deals!!" into my inbox. I read, as from a distance, the status updates of friends who described decorating the tree and standing in long lines at midnight to score great bargains. It didn't make me sad or angry, but I had just a flash of the odd sensation of being a premature baby, hypersensitive to the overstimulation of an environment that I wasn't ready for just yet. It was all a bit surreal.

My breakfast bar is covered with flowers right now, bouquets in the palette of fall colors- purple, orange, yellow, crimson, brown. Bethany asked me many times, what kind of flowers did I want? And at the time it seemed just right- it matched the girls' cute pumpkin patch dresses, the mild warmth and sunshine of the last days of fall. The overwhelming feeling in my heart of Thankfulness. Perhaps I forgot how quickly and suddenly Thanksgiving is over, yielding way to CHRISTMAS, that season when we struggle to cling to Advent and wrestle with the demons of our flesh, our materialism. I've been struggling the last couple of days with the urge to yell to the world, "Stop! I need more time for Thanksgiving this year." These flowers on my breakfast bar? They have a few days of life left. It isn't time yet for green and red and shopping and parties and presents. In my mind and my heart, it's still Thanksgiving.

And that's what this post is about. It's December 1st and I know that soon, the time of transition is here. There are a few things I need to say before I can move on.

I'm more thankful- and thankful for more-this year, than ever before. I'm thankful that my birthday fell on Thanksgiving this year because it seems all the more appropriate and special.

I'm thankful for Jesus. It all begins and ends with Him. Everything pales in comparison to Him. Through Him we live, and move, and have our being. He is the Meaning behind everything and the Reason for everything, our Joy and our Hope. Nothing is beyond Him. Nothing could stop His light from coming into the world, and the grave could not hold Him, not defeat Him, for He defeated death.

I'm thankful for the life of my son, Everett Zechariah. I'm thankful for the power of God to change my heart and open my eyes to His work. The morning after Everett was born, I woke up and struggled with grief and fear and cried out to God and asked, "Why, Lord? If You were going to take him, why couldn't we have lost him at 5 or 6 weeks, why couldn't he have slipped away in quiet invisibility, without going through this pain and struggle? What is the purpose of a baby born too soon, to suffer in the world for a day and then die?" and within just a few days of praying that, God gave me my answers. Who are we to even question His sovereignty, but in His MERCY and grace he revealed so many things to me. I came to see the opportunity to meet our son alive, not as a hardship, but as a gift. Not as a wound, but a blessing. I came to be thankful that he WASN'T born at home, that he did manage to get stabilized after birth, that he DID have a chance to live with every human effort possible provided for him. I came to see how the whole process of struggle, fear, worry, surrender, grief, tears, condolences, services, Worship- how they were a blessing to not just our family, but our extended family, our friends, our acquaintances, our coworkers, our neighbors, for so many people that we've never even met, and never will. How could a baby who lived 20 hours bring so much blessing to so many? It is the power of our God. It is His way. We would never choose this, but praise Him that He chooses for us. That He knows best.

I am thankful for God using this to soften my heart. A few months ago I wrote to our pastor Jorn in State College and I shared with him how much I was struggling with not doing the things that keep my mind happy- reading, writing, doing math- and with the intensity of mothering two little ones with one more on the way. "In my flesh, I'm miserable," I wrote to him. I'm thankful for God now giving me peace that He didn't take this baby because of that attitude I had and expressed. I'm thankful for God relieving me of the tendency to feel horribly, horribly guilty about what I said, for giving me sympathy for the Nancy Elizabeth of a few months ago who hadn't yet been transformed by the terrible beauty of loss. And I'm thankful, most of all, that that restlessness and discontent has been- at least temporarily- destroyed most thoroughly and naturally by what has happened. It's like I'm a whole different person. The whole world looks different, more shimmering, more ephemeral. I can see how beautiful my children are every day- their unruliness, their disobedience, their neediness is beautiful to me because I can see Life now. I am so very, very thankful for that life, that grace.

I am thankful for God using this to break through the bondage I've been in for so long, enslaved to the easy, empty things of this world. It's been YEARS now since I've been able to form a habit of reading my Bible every day. I couldn't pick a book, I kept saying. Now I'm reading Zechariah, and soon Isaiah, to find out what God Remembers...

I'm thankful for the tenderness of my husband. I'm thankful for the feel and sound of his warm tears over me as we each held hands with our son while he died. I'm thankful for the time we had to talk as we came home from the hospital. I'm thankful to think what God will be doing in his own heart, maybe new and different from what He's doing in mine.

I'm thankful for the beauty of my girls, of how precious they are to me. I'm thankful how they are children of this earth, inquisitive and bright-eyed and fiesty and joyous, with tousled hair and child-like tempers and hearts full of love for those around them. I'm thankful that their souls are still so carefully hidden away inside those little vessels, not burst open wide with blinding brightness like their little brother's soul. I'm thankful that God chose LIFE for them here with us, in all its terrible, glorious imperfections. I'm mourning the loss of their chance to be big sisters at this age, THIS time, but thankful to know that their Heavenly Father really does know what's best for them. I'm thankful that Charlotte is here to drink her brother's milk, that God has spared me the agony of empty arms that so many women know.

I'm thankful for Everett's grandparents and aunts and uncles. I'm so very, very thankful that my mom arrived in time to see him while he lived, because I knew that meant so much to her. I'm so thankful for the millions of "little," tangible things they've done for me in the past few weeks that have added up to an enormity- time to rest, to grieve, to write this post. I'm thankful for the feel of their hugs, the knowledge that I could call any of them at any time of the night or day just to talk.

I'm thankful for the dearest, old friends we have scattered near and far. I'm thankful for Bethany's best-friend grief, for her compassion and her willingness with Eric and Micah to come so far to BE here, despite the impracticality and hardness of the trip. I'm thankful for our church families in Atlanta, Bethlehem, State College, and Boulder, reaching across the miles with the warmth of their love and prayers. I'm thankful for the few we know who aren't believers who have been touched or moved by this in some way, thankful- and hoping- that they might see a glimpse of Christ in this.

I'm thankful for our new friends in Johnson City. For the people of Sojourn, for Bill and Lyndsey Jolley, who worked so hard and did so much to quickly organize and host the memorial service for Everett. Their hospitality and love were such a blessing. For Todd and Ginger Hare and the people of our Sunday morning Anglican church- I'm thankful that God sent Todd to the hospital at just the right moment, and thankful for the things he shared at the graveside service that came from his own experience of losing a baby. For all the people of Milligan College who don't know us very well yet, but still want to show their love. For Debbie Siebenaler, whose straightforward Midwestern cheeriness (and incredible servant's heart) were such welcome companions through this whole journey. For Susan Scheiman, who served our family so far above and beyond the meager compensation we gave her. For so many others- some we still haven't even met- who said, "Please call me. Please let us know any way we can help" in a way where I could tell they really meant it.

I'm thankful for the future we have. Thankful to no longer be in pain, no longer worried that every time I get up to mother my children or live my life, I could be hurting my baby. Thankful for an able body that can be used to serve others, and praying that I do not quickly let go of the lessons I've learned about serving and sharing and being poured out. Thankful for the opportunities we will have in the coming months to find new adventures with our girls and explore what God has for us as, for now, a family of four, missing Everett forever but honoring God in the lives he's given us now to be lived.

I'm thankful for faith. Never in my life have I been FORCED to have the kind of faith that I have now, the faith that Jesus is holding my baby in His arms. I'm so very, very thankful for God leading me to this point.

I'm thankful for the imperfections of this post, because if I weren't so painfully aware of them, I wouldn't realize, as C.S. Lewis said, that Joy is really longing for our home in Heaven. It's so wonderfully, gloriously Frustrating to not be home yet. Thank you Lord that someday, we'll BE there!

I'm thankful for Jesus. It all begins and ends with You, Lord. Thank you for coming to this earth. Thank you for giving Your life to save us. Thank you Heavenly Father that YOU did not spare your firstborn Son, but willingly gave His life because You loved US so much. Thank You Lord for knowing our pain, for You wept when Lazarus died, but You didn't only know it, You came to REDEEM it. Thank you for Advent, a season of waiting, waiting through the agony and the ecstasy of this world for the glorious sign of Your appearing, our redemption.

Thank you for Christmas, for I'm ready to welcome it now. :-)

Love, Neb

Hazy Dayz...

Greetings, loving audience!

I have been in my typical post-travel, post-holidays mental coma the past few days (is today Wednesday...? Is it really?) and also quite sleepy much of the time (I will cut out refined sugar in 2010!! I WILL!! Just watch me do it! Right after I make this last batch of chocolate fudge...) and now that I am sitting here typing this, I really don't know what I was going to say to you all today...? If anything at all?

And immediately after typing that, my two-year-old spilled her glass of milk in an impressive fiasco that managed to splatter the carpet (a lot), the chair, the baby swing, the Christmas decorations box, the wall...

My ten goals for 2010 have been printed as one or two word versions in blue marker and hung on the wall!! And writing in this blog is one of my goals!! So I am TOTALLY on task, right?

Time to make more coffee.

Did Eudora Welty start this way? Shakespeare? With all this non-writing writing? Did James Joyce wake up every morning and type "Time to make more coffee" before eventually pounding out Finnegan's Wake? James Joyce never tandem nursed two children who never slept at the same time, did he???

Okay, in closing this little nothing of a post, let's vote on what my NEXT post should be, huh? Options:

1) Ten things I hate that everybody else seems to love
2) My ten favorite ways to save money
3) Ten foods that are actually GOOD for you that actually taste good, too!
4) Ten cute pictures/ videos of my kids
5) (your own suggestion here!)

Thanks guys!
Love, Neb

"I would give both of my hands to be a writer..."

That was a line of the poem I wrote in college. (I only wrote one, as far as I can recall.) Are you appreciating that healthy dose of melodrama/ irony/ gut-wrenching self-revelation as much as I am? I recall being surprised when I wrote it. Wasn't I applying to grad school in math? What's this writing business about? Apparently my inner poet knew (how fitting, I suppose.)

And then the first time I met my new grad school friends at Lehigh, we were sitting around having dinner and talking about what we wanted to do with advanced degrees in math, and I said I wanted to be a writer. It just came out that way- despite my better judgment.

I haven't been blogging because to me, writing anything requires 1) unlimited time, and 2) peace and quiet. As a breastfeeding mom, I NEVER have unlimited time. The clock is always ticking until it's time to nurse someone again. Peace and quiet happens occasionally, though not for great stretches of time. And you know how my M.O. tends to be the "Perfect or Nothing" approach? Since the "perfect" opportunity to write in here doesn't come along very often, you've been getting a whole lot of the alternative the past few months. The past year, really. Ever since Madelaine learned to talk. But as my blogging rate has waned, I've gradually realized something interesting: I can live without doing Math. I can live without a lot of the things that are not part of my life now that I'm a mom.

But I can't live without Writing.

Without the outlet of writing, my mind atrophies. I feel like I live each day waiting for the day to be over, instead of actually LIVING that day. I would say that there's something wrong with this on a spiritual level, except that I believe in what Jorn preached about a few weeks ago- God created us with passions, and we are meant to be using them. So the TV is on, people are talking, I can't hear myself think, but I will write in spite of it. I will publish things on here that aren't "perfect" (whatever that means) or even GOOD, for that matter. Because the only way to ever write anything good is just to write a LOT, and eventually something good will come out.

Love,
Neb

On a roll!! (Does two days in a row count as a "roll"??)

Yo, my people!! What is UP??? (I'm on my second cup of coffee. Hopefully that excuses that little outburstive greeting by my inner want-to-be-cool* 13 year old, who last spoke out in 1993.)

So I'm really liking this "goals" thing I started in the last post. Time to reorder it, expand the list, shrink the descriptions, and put it in a big bold font so I can look at it later. Also post it on my wall somewhere, I think.

In 2010, I hope to...

1) Have a regular Bible reading and prayer habit (in whatever way God leads me to do so.)

2) Teach Madelaine (and eventually Charlotte) about the Bible.

3) Limit the girls' TV time to 1 hr/day (plus evenings)/ plan a few activities each week, as needed.

4) Walk about 3 hours a week (treadmill or outdoors).

5) Read 25 books (make a list on Goodreads?)

6) Get some photos of my kids printed! and organized in albums.

7) Write in this blog at least once a week (that sounds more doable than every day, right?)

8) Go on a date with my husband at least twice a month.

9) Get a better system for storing recipes, planning meals, and sticking to a grocery budget.

10) Hmmm... need some kind of financial goal here. Would love to say "finish paying off student loan" but that's a WAY long shot (unless Nate ends up with a really high paying job for the second half of 2010.) How about, pay at least $300 on student loan each month, Jan- June? That's $1800, not bad. [This might get revised after I talk to Nate.]

There you have it! There's my list! I am super jazzed about this. And in closing, I will note that these 10 things are suggested because they are, very specifically, things that I am NOT doing now that I constantly am thinking that I WISH I were doing. There are a lot of other things going on in my life now that are not goals because I'm already doing them- church involvement, a ministry opportunity, [some] keeping in touch with faraway friends and family, math tutoring, some basic homemaking activities (cleaning, groceries, cooking, paying bills, laundry), and some activities with the girls (library, song time, playground, occasional playdates). I'm listing those things as a reminder to myself that even though I feel like I waste a lot of time, there ARE things that I accomplish each day, even if they tend to fall into the category of "urgent- not important." It's that "important- not urgent" category I've got to work on (don't we all?) which is what the above list is all about.

So what are YOUR goals for 2010?

Love you all!
Neb

*The correct [popularly, not grammatically, that is] term for this is "wannabe"? At least in 1993, it was.

The house is quiet now...

and so I will open up this window and give it a shot.

Oh, gentle readers. I cannot even begin to tell you how much I miss writing in here. I've kind of been obsessed with it recently, to tell you the truth. But I am so tired all the time, and the babies always need me, and the prattle of their little voices overwhelms my internal processor. Virginia Woolf said something about needing a room of one's own, didn't she? (Have I talked about that on here before?) Life, as a whole, overwhelms me. But we've known that for awhile now. Let me try to focus now; in general, because I can't write Everything, I end up writing Nothing. But tonight, for you (which really means, for me) I will write Something.

Let's talk about some goals for 2010, shall we?

*It's time to start doing some Bible stories with Madelaine on a more regular basis. I have flannelgraph. I have curriculum. The reason I didn't start the curriculum a few months ago, when I found it, is that it does take some prep time (and just some time to sort through all the features and activities to pick out what components I actually want to do with her). But I want to start.

*I would love to be able to limit her TV time to an hour a day most days (ie, an hour of kids' programs during the day), plus whatever Nate wants to watch at night. To do this, I think I need to plan a few activities each week that we can do together- simple crafts, etc. Certainly we can spend a lot of time just playing with her toys, but she does get bored once in a while, and that's when we're both tempted to take the easy way out (TV).

*I have a little treadmill now!!!!! Got it on Craigslist for $65. And just like everyone in America, I want to start using it...

*Catch up on getting some photos printed to go in albums

*Get my recipes organized... preferably online. Plan a menu a month at a time... figure out ways to save on groceries (buying in bulk? coupons? making more stuff from scratch? monthly trip to Aldi? online sources...? hmmm...)

*Get a reading light so I can read while I nurse Maddy to sleep at night. Make a list of 25 books I want to read in 2010. (Suggestions?)

*I wish I could write in this blog every day. For now that's a wish, not a goal.

And now I must get ready for bed...

Love to the world,
Neb

Madelaine and Charlotte- which is which?

Close to midnight

Oh Internets,

My children don't sleep much enough. Nate and I are both really tired.

I have an apple for snack!

This Saturday my parents are coming, and I am super excited! Then we're going to the Lehigh Valley area so Nate can go to a conference Monday/ Tuesday, and we can all visit people. Yay!

Mopping the kitchen floor was supposed to happen today. But it's midnight. I think it's time for bed, yeah?

There is so little time in every day for doing anything other than taking care of my house and kids. At least it seems that way. I miss writing in this blog. But this is only a season of life. And a good season, at that.

Love,
Neb

In which I appease you with Video! of Madelaine's Second Birthday

Charlotte's Birth Story: The Aftermath!

I guess that should be "afterward?" But I'm a math major, you know, so aftermath is what came to mind. [Why isn't it "afterword," since, you know, it's AFTER all the other WORDS?] But I digress.

Onward!

Where was I? Oh yes, I had just extruded an infant from my loins.

Charlotte didn't cry right away, she just looked at me with big beautiful eyes. I think I told her about 10 times, I AM SO GLAD YOU ARE OUT... and I think we started nursing fairly soon. Unlike Maddy, who didn't latch well the entire time we were in the hospital, Charlotte figured out nursing right away, which was awesome. (I think it helped that I have more experience, and after two straight years of nursing Madelaine, my, uh... physiology is more nursing-ready.) Anyway, I ended up with a second degree tear, but even though I could feel the doctor touching me, I was quite comfortable during repair (and have had an easy healing process, so really can't complain.) I do think, though, that next time I'll opt for the Regular Full-Force Make Me Totally Numb Please epidural instead of the patient controlled thing, because the whole point of letting it wear off "a little bit" (ha!) so that I could try a vertical position so that I could avoid tearing didn't work so well, did it? I mean, true, I didn't tear quite as badly, but I'm not sure that the significant discomfort during labor was worth the difference... (plus, with the Regular epidural I had with Maddy, I didn't have any itching or nausea- but don't know if that's a regular vs. patient-controlled thing, or if it was just a slightly different drug used...)

So! I will tell you the funny/ odd/ disturbing things about my hospital stay now:

*Chapter 1: Ice Diapers!*

So most hospitals are kind enough to provide you with these great ice packs that you twist to break open (there is Magic/ Science inside! no idea how it works, don't care) and then they work like a cold maxi pad? Yeah. These have been around for quite a while. Well, Mt. Nittany JUST DISCOVERED these and obtained some the week before Charlotte was born. (Thankful it was the week before, and not the week after!) But a lot of the nurses still didn't know they had these available, so they kept offering me the product they'd been using: get this- are you ready? An ICE DIAPER. Yes, my friends, they will pack ice in the lower levels of a PAMPER and give you that to soothe any parts of you that may be sore after childbirth.* Now really, I shouldn't be complaining about this, I should be grateful that I live in a place where things like ice and sanitary disposable products are available! I mean I still think of all the women giving birth in the middle of nowhere without ACCESS to the wonderful, wonderful ice of any kind. But still, I just think it's a bit absurd that they make their own ICE DIAPERS when there's, you know, an actual product out there on the market designed specifically for the need... I mean, really...? If you ask for dental floss, do they give you string? If you ask for Kleenex, do they give you toilet paper? Just wondering.

So at one point, after confirming that they DID indeed now have these wonderful twisty-cold pad things, I went down the hall to the nurse's station to ask for a few more. The nurse who had given the last one to me warned me, "Not all the nurses know we have these yet..." so I was prepared. But it was still hard to stand up to... (duh duh DUUHHHH...)

NURSE FROWNY-FACE!

Yeah. This nurse was just one of those people that looks like they were BORN frowning... like that's their default facial expression, you know? I asked her for the twisty ice pack things. She stated with complete confidence, "We don't have anything like that." [and then I think offered to get me an Ice Diaper.] I was like, "Um...? You do? Because I HAVE BEEN USING THEM." Flustered, she asked other nurse, who said, "Yes we have those, but they do not work as well as the ICE DIAPERS." [I may have possibly snorted through my nose at this point, but you would be proud of me, I only said mildly, "I prefer these pads to the ice diapers..."] So after locating the stash, Nurse Frowny-Face proceeded to unwrap the pad for me, despite my protests that I could do it myself, and then sort of slam it into the counter to break open the magic icy stuff inside, despite my quiet protests that it was meant to be TWISTED. But at least I had my twisty ice pad!!

By the way? They make hot pads too, which are fantastic also (they're meant to be used after the first 12 hours.) Sadly, Mt. Nittany had not yet discovered these. I asked them what they did for a heat treatment, and they mentioned the infamous SITZ BATH. I have never been a fan of the sitz bath... but I'll spare you the details of that.

Okay there's more, but it's late, so...

*TO BE CONTINUED*

*Don't you appreciate the delicacy of my terminology? I try so hard for you...!

Hazelnut cinnamon coffee + apple cinnamon bagel= Enough morning inspiration for a blog post! Lucky you...

There you have it! So I have some more to write about Charlotte's birth, but I'm not up to it at the moment. But in the spirit of breaking my obsessive-compulsiveness about blogging (ie wanting a Perfectly Organized Comprehensive Blog with Pictures and Everything...), I'm writing this little post just for you and just for me, just so I can be WRITING. I really miss writing in here.

Now that I'm here, what shall I tell you about?

I have tutor training in a few minutes! ONLINE tutor training for ONLINE tutoring! Hurrah! I will not be a scaredy-cat, and I will learn how to use the electronic tablet and the headset to tutor the children! Yay! I will work Sunday and Thursday nights, 8-10 pm. I am excited! I need to come up with some things for Nate and Madelaine to do during that time...

Speaking of Madelaine: I have a confession to make: I let her watch too much TV. WAY too much TV. I am not opposed to kids watching some TV, but the key is, IN MODERATION, yes? We're missing the moderation part. I just have trouble, you know, with the small one wanting to be held all the time (yes, even when she sleeps), and then the Constant Nursing, and then the Daily Tasks of life like getting dressed and eating food and unloading the dishwasher and changing diapers. It is so easy to just turn on the TV when I know there's a PBS show that will keep her glued to the screen... to get a break from the constant barrage of requests to nurse and various trouble-seeking enterprises she pursues. In my mind I think I should be this Supermom that has craft projects planned on a regular basis and is always ready to engage in Creative, Interactive Play... but somehow on a daily basis it doesn't happen much? It's easier to sit here and drink coffee and read random things on the internet. Sigh...

Let's end on a happier note! Uh... Charlotte is waking up now and starting to fuss. I don't know what else to say at the moment. But I think my two beautiful children are Happy Notes. So think of them! And click on the link to see all our Photobucket pictures...

Love,
Neb

*Charlotte's Birth Story, Part 3*

Baby steps, people! Baby steps!

So the next phase of labor, when the epidural had me pain-free and I was just hanging out and dilating, was the Golden Phase of labor. Nate and I just got to chat and enjoy each other's company, and everything was very calm and peaceful. Around 11:30 my OB checked my progress (painless! epidural!) and I was fully dilated! Woo-hoo!



So here's a little more explanation... with Maddy, I was totally numb, and not long after I was fully dilated the nurses coached me on pushing, and I pushed her out in 11 minutes. I also had a pretty bad tear (3rd degree), which wasn't hard to recover from in the short-term, but left me with some problems in the long term. So I did a lot of research before this labor, and decided that I wanted to try a few things differently to prevent tearing. This time around, I put in my birth plan that I wanted to wait to push after I was fully dilated until I felt pressure- even with an epidural, the force of contractions will continue to push the baby down, and sometimes you can feel pressure even when you're too numb to feel pain. So I wanted to not have coached pushing- just push when I felt the urge- and try pushing in some position where gravity could help, like hands and knees, or squatting... these are things that help prevent the tearing. Ask Dr. Google, she'll tell you all about it...

Okay, I have GOT to stop beginning every paragraph with "so."

Then!

Around 12:30 my mom got there, and Nate's mom showed up at some point too (I have no idea when!) and our assorted siblings and fathers hung out in the waiting room and took care of Madelaine. I asked one of the nurses (Lindsay! My hero!) if I could try different positions, and she said "what did you have in mind?" and I said anything more upright, so that gravity would help. Hospitals tend to be REALLY cautious when you have an epidural, since they don't want you to fall out of bed or something, but Lindsay was super cool and helped me get into a kneeling position, where I could lean on the upper part of the bed. So I stayed like that for awhile, even though it wasn't super comfortable, but it didn't seem to help much in terms of getting the baby's head to descend. At that point I started to get more uncomfortable, and the Golden Phase of labor began to come to a close...

So*, pressure. I was feeling pressure. And the pressure got more uncomfortable. So I decided to push the epidural button again for more medicine- I hadn't pushed the button since 10 am, and it was now maybe 1:30? Repeat dry heaving, only this time I actually threw up a little bit. Then the nurses said that I needed to get out of hands and knees position, because the baby's heart rate monitor kept slipping and they would lose the signal. So I tried lying on my side. I had been doing little wimpy pushes occasionally for awhile, when I felt pressure, but I certainly hadn't felt like I HAD to push yet... but now I started kind of pushing for real, while Nate held my leg. The pressure! It was VERY UNCOMFORTABLE! And the button-pushing! Was not helping! Hadn't my friend warned me about this?!?

Eventually the OB came in, (oh I forgot to mention- I actually agreed to let her break my water earlier, to try to move things along, once I was fully dilated and it was clear the baby would be here soon anyway- ) and the nurses said the monitor was still slipping (and also the baby's heart rate was dropping a bit?) so they wanted me to lie on my back? So I ended up on my back with my feet supported. Sigh...

And then I pushed the baby out. I was pretty vocal... Charlotte was born at 2:31. And she was beautiful. :-)

*I said I would stop, didn't I? Didn't I?? Oh, the addiction of the so. So!

Charlotte's Birth Story, Part 2!

Look! Posting on Consecutive Days!

So we got to the hospital a little before 8. We went in through the emergency room (in case the other doors were closed) and a cheerful lady at the front desk offered us a copy of the newspaper. The Sunday paper! With comics! More about that later... And then a nice elderly gentleman (I think the lady and gentleman were both Volunteers) took me upstairs in a wheelchair, because I didn't feel like walking to the fourth floor with THE CONTRACTIONS.

So, change into hospital gown, urine sample, IV, paperwork blah blah blah... Nate helped answer questions and fill out some of the paperwork, which was great, since I was focused on THE CONTRACTIONS at that point, my stars, THE CONTRACTIONS, someone page the anesthesiologist RIGHT NOW PLEASE. The nursing staff were very efficient really, and after "checking to see" (oh PLEASE let's only do that once, pre-epidural, THANK YOU...) and determining that I was already 5 cm dilated, the nice epidural man (wearing jeans? whatever. He had The Drugs. He could have been wearing a polyester leisure suit with Ugg Boots, for all I cared...) came and did his epidural thing. I think that was 9:30, so really no complaints! And I was excited I was at 5 cm so quickly, because at my last appointment on Friday I actually agreed that they could "check to see" (big mistake! won't do that again! AAUUGGHH!!) and he said I really wasn't dilated at all.

Now, here's where I have to Explain a little to you. I have a friend from church who also had her baby at Mount Nittany, and she said that they had given her the kind of epidural that's patient-controlled... you push the button when you need more medicine. She said it was fine until the end, when it was wearing off and she was pushing the button and it WASN'T HELPING... So I had a little chat with Mr. Epidural Guy- he said both the regular kind and the patient-controlled kind were available and left it up to me which to get. I asked him if the patient-controlled kind could deliver the same amount of medicine as the regular kind, and he said yes, and I thought, if that's the case, I might as well do the patient-controlled thing, right? (do you sense the foreshadowing???)

So with Maddy, I didn't have any side effects with the epidural. This time around, as soon as the medicine went in I started dry heaving. But that only lasted a couple of minutes (thank goodness!) I also had this weird sensation of itching all over... so I kept rubbing my face. That lasted pretty much the whole time. But while these things were annoying, they were NOTHING compared to the pain of contractions... oh I should also mention that I had heartburn that ranged from mild to bad the whole time I was in labor, because before we left for the hospital I insisted on drinking a large cup of coffee and eating most of a bagel. I think it was probably the coffee that did it... at least I was properly caffeinated!

*The End! Tune in tomorrow for Part 3!*

Wow! I still Exist! Also? I have TWO children now...

Hello, amazingly loyal family and friends!!

It seems REALLY hard to start back after being away for so long.

You know what it is, don't you? Overwhelmment. (Yes, it's a word, blogger! Because I Say So.) Too many stories, too many pictures, way too much to write in too little time. Even now that I've actually opened this window and started typing, I'm struggling with where to start...?

How about this: I had another baby, on August 2nd, and her name is Charlotte Roseanna Wentzel and she's beautiful!

And I love both my children dearly. And I have the Ups and Downs of adjusting to life with two children... Sunday morning was a high point, followed by a low point Sunday afternoon (Nap Fail!), followed by a Hard Day on Monday, followed by a Pretty Good Day today... you get the idea. The Hard Days tend to be characterized by lack of sleep and Toddler Behavior Issues (which are really Parent Response Issues... she's just being a normal toddler, and I need to get my act together as her mother.) The good days are quite joyful... Sunday morning I was particularly Happy about life. Really, quite drowning in joy. It was nice. And I'm sure it will come back (once I've had enough sleep to think straight again...)

Alright, well how about this... do you want to hear Charlotte's Birth Story?

*Charlotte's Birth Story*

(Part 1)

So there I was, 40 weeks and one day pregnant. OVERDUE. Which of course is not at all unusual, but since Maddy was almost 4 weeks early, a little unexpected. I was really feeling pretty okay with it- in the final weeks of pregnancy, I felt like I'd sort of gotten used to being huge and achy and so forth. I *was* rather dreading my OB(s) starting to talk about induction, but other than that I was pretty chill.

On my due date (Aug. 1st) I went to bed and couldn't sleep until sometime after 3 in the morning, because the baby was moving a lot and I was having pretty annoying contractions. (Sometimes in late pregnancy I couldn't distinguish between her movements and contractions... which sounds weird, but it's true!) I really wondered if I was going into labor, but didn't get too excited because I'd been having lots of contractions for weeks and they always fizzled out eventually. If fact I felt pretty cranky about the prospect of being in labor because I was SO tired and just wanted to sleep... I felt like I couldn't face the idea of getting up and going to the hospital and, you know, GIVING BIRTH and everything. So I was glad to finally fall asleep, and sure enough in the morning, when I woke up at 6, nothing was going on, so I thought "false alarm, just like every other night..."

BUT THEN (you totally dig my flair for the dramatic, don't you?!?):

At 6:10 I got hit with a really strong, really painful contraction... a LABOR contraction! And a few minutes later, another! And another! It only took a few for me to be pretty sure I was in labor. But I knew I should time them for awhile to make sure they continued, so I got up and got on Skype and talked to my brother for a bit, and then woke up Nate and eventually called my parents and my doctor's office (the OB on call actually called me back IN PERSON. This surprised me greatly!) Adrienne was staying with us then, so she stayed with Madelaine when we left. By the time we got in the car I was pretty uncomfortable, but of course excited to meet my daughter!

*I AM SLEEPY. Going to bed now... must maximize sleep opportunities! Sleep while the children sleep! Part 2 later!*

Love, Neb

Probably setting a new record for how long it's been since I've posted...

Oh dear readership,

I just know, KNOW that you come here to hear me apologize for not posting in so long! And promise to never let my blog go for so long ever again! Which is a sure-fire way for making sure the next hiatus will be EVEN LONGER. What can I say?

Honestly after being gone for so long, it's overwhelming to try to write because there's so MUCH I could write. (Have I said that before? I think it a lot.) We went to Jenny's wedding in New Hampshire, which was lovely in every way and loads of fun- the Reynolds/ Baily family was a blast to hang out with, as always. ;-) Madelaine and I spent a week near Great Smokey Mountains National Park, staying in a cabin with my parents and siblings and their dogs- SO MUCH FUN! And Maddy really got to bond with all of them, learned to say Grandmama, etc. Too cool!

And I am Great With Child. I'm starting to feel rather enormous, really, but overall feeling well and getting really excited for this baby!! Let's make some lists, shall we?

To Do Before The Baby Is Born:

*Pack a bag for the hospital! (Didn't do this with Madelaine...) To include (why yes, there's a sublist in my list!):

• Couple of nursing nightgowns
• Bathrobe
  
• Underwear
• Nursing bras
• Nursing pads
• Going home outfit
• Lanolin
• Breast pump (?)
• Boppy nursing pillow
• Comfy postpartum cushion
  
• Camera (with fresh batteries!!)
• Pen and paper
• Phone card (if they actually MAKE such things anymore, in the age of cell phones...?)
• Phone number list
• Snacks (for Nate and for me, when the nurse isn't looking, 'cause I'm rebellious that way!)
• Maybe a book? (my Bible?)
• Contact case and cleaner
• Glasses and case
• Toothbrush, toothpaste
• Hairbrush
• Deodorant
• Shampoo and soap.

Whew, did I leave anything out? Let me know if you think of something!

*Wash car seat cover, get car seat installed/ checked
*Contact the hospital about the stack of consent forms they gave me (I suspect they left a few out!)
*Install the curtains in the babies' room that we bought last year and never put up... (Babies! Plural!)
*Set up the Pack-and-Play? On the off chance that baby #2 would actually be interested in sleeping somewhere other than our arms for any length of time?
*Paint that cute little wooden shelf to hold photos in the nursery...
*Wash the newborn and 0-3 month clothing
*Make diaper stackers so we can keep our size 5's and newborns separate?
*Research diaper covers that can go over disposables. So as not to repeat the 12-month Poop-Leak-Fest that characterized Madelaine's (exclusively breastfed) infancy...

Also? While we're in list-making mode? There's a few things I want/ need for the baby...

This is the Fisher-Price Starlight Papasan Cradle Swing. And what, you may ask, is so great about it? It has the option to PLUG IN = we will save a fortune in batteries over the course of our next 4 babies. Right? Right?!? Totally worth it! Also, it swings side to side in addition to back and forth. Supposedly, infants like this better. The fabric is super soft and the seat offers lots of head/ body support, which makes a newborn feel more snuggly. And a snuggled newborn is a HAPPY newborn... (we pray...) I'm planning to put this in the corner of the dining room, so (theoretically) Charlotte has somewhere to sit while we eat dinner. (Who am I kidding. She's totally going to want to nurse 24/7 like Maddy, right...?) Still, it's a nice thought.

Anyway, I've searched ebay for this a few times, but with shipping I think the Walmart price is pretty hard to beat. So let's just Get It! :-)

Also, we are going to need a double stroller. You have no idea how many hours of my life I have now spent researching double strollers. The sad thing is, I had settled on one- the British Kidz Kargo tandem jogger-

upon the good advice of my wonderful friend Jordana, who loves hers- when low and behold, THEY SOLD OUT. The manufacturer says they are out of stock; they're popping up on Ebay at the rate of about 1 a month now, but the used ones are selling for the new price because of the scarcity. (Up until a few months ago, they were readily available from a distributor in California for around $200, a true bargain in double stroller world!) So MAYBE these will be available later in the year- I will certainly be patient!- but if not, I'll probably end up getting something else. Here are the pros and cons:

Pros: Great price; width of a single stroller for easily navigating store aisles and walking by the side of the road; smooth steering and ride b/c of three wheel design/ bicycle-style tires, so it would work great on the bike path behind our house; nicely designed parent storage area (drink holder, pocket, etc); handle is high enough for Nate; and other common but important features (both seats recline, five-point harnesses, sun shades with viewing windows, storage basket underneath).
Cons: HEAVY (at 41 lbs) and fairly bulky when folded, but the tires do remove easily, so getting it in and out of the trunk of our car would be doable, if not ideal; not designed to accept infant car seat, so a bit inconvenient the first few months; not entirely sure that the front seat, when reclined, is tall enough to support a sleeping toddler (but once Charlotte is old enough to sit up, I think Maddy could sit in the back and then we'd be good for awhile...)

So anyway, the potential unavailability of the Kidz Kargo has made me go back to the drawing board so to speak and start the hunt for The Perfect Double Stroller all over again...

To make an (absurdly long) story short, I am now lusting after the Phil and Teds Sport with Doubles Kit, which is basically a single jogging/ all-terrain stroller that converts to a double stroller! I can't say that I'm in love with the looks of the thing, but the versatility really can't be matched... first, watch this video and then I'll explain something to you. (YES YOU DO want to watch a 10 minute video narrated in annoying Brit-speak about my stroller of choice!)


Okay, now as you saw in the video, there are two possible positions for the second seat (the "doubles" kit)- either in front, with the newborn lying down underneath (in the main seat); or in the back, down near the floor (as in the picture above). But once I found this car seat adaptor for our Graco carseat, I realized we really have a lot of options here!!!

When Charlotte is little/ lightweight/ still hanging out in her infant carseat (probably around first 4-6 months):
1) I can carry Charlotte in the Beco carrier and put Maddy in the stroller (no second seat needed);
2) I can put Maddy in the second seat in the back, and snap Charlotte's carseat into the main seat (probably the most convenient- and both can recline this way and nap if needed, in case we'll be out a long time, like the mall, or a museum or something);
3) I can put Charlotte in the main seat reclined all the way, and Maddy in the second seat attached up top (which is considered the standard toddler/ newborn configuration for Phil and Ted); this would be lighter to push than with the carseat, and fine for quick trips to the library, dr, etc when Maddy doesn't need to recline for a nap. Also, I can toss the Beco (which folds up super small) in the basket underneath, so that if a "short" trip turns into a long one, I could put Charlotte into the Beco and let Maddy sit in the main seat (i.e., idea #1) so she can rest.

When Charlotte is big enough to sit up more and too heavy to lug around in the infant carseat, anyway (6 months+?):

4) I can put Charlotte directly in the second seat in the back and put Maddy in the main seat (which is the official Phil and Ted's "toddler/ toddler" configuration). Both can recline (I think Maddy could go back far enough to be comfy enough for a nap, even with the doubles seat in the back.)
5) Eventually, Maddy can just walk with Charlotte in the main seat (depending where we're going).

See what I mean? So many options!! I love the fact that the Phil & Ted is a quality single stroller with an option to go double, because the only stroller I have now, the Combi Helio, has been a disappointment in some ways (yes, it's lightweight, folds very compactly, and has a tall handle... but the steering is pretty lousy!) As far as I can tell, the Phil & Ted is ideal to take either one or two kids on the bike path OR to the mall. Plus? It only weighs 24 lbs (that may not include the second seat, I'm not sure...) and folds up to 30x20x9 with the wheels off...

So the only disadvantage? You guessed it, the price. On Ebay they're going for around $350-$450. Heh! We'll see...

Okay, now that I've completely BORED YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND, you non-stroller-interested people, I will try a little non-baby talk to woo you back...

Reading! Sometimes I get to read, because my wonderful husband takes Madelaine for a walk almost every night that it's not raining. Also, my generous family members entertained the little person while we were in TN, so I got some time there, too. So I read "When I Was Puerto Rican," by Esmerelda Santiago, which has been on my To-Read list for ages and ages, and it did not disappoint! Greatly enjoyed it. The Puerto Rico of her childhood (in the 50's) was lush and multisensorially fragrant and an intriguing Latina cross between Little House on the Prairie (fairly rural lifestyle in her barrio, complete with snakes, bare feet in the dust) and the gender roles of, say, Leave it to Beaver. By the end of the book (spoiler alert), she's moved to Brooklyn, near Williamsburg to be specific, and is basically chilling with Asher Lev and his Hasidic posse (context clue: I'm a huge Chaim Potok fan, and find it appropos a book I like that starts in rural Puerto Rico ends up in Williamsburg in the 60's?!?) So anyway, I just got the sequel, "Almost a Woman," from Paperback Swap (fabulous program! Go join today! Tell them I sent you, and I'll get points! :-)), but my long baby to-do list will probably prevent me from starting it for awhile....

I also read about the first half of Factory Girls: From Village to City in a Changing China, and then it was overdue and requested by another library patron (patron! I like that. Patron!), so I had to give it back, but I have every intention of trying to check it out next time. It was cool though, because you know how there are people that say, "Buy American! Don't buy things made in China because the workers are all exploited and also? We need to keep jobs in America!" Well, this author's presentation of the factory world of China was far from grim. Yes, the hours are WAY long by American standards, the pay is much lower than American minimum wage, and there are certainly horrific injustices that occur- BUT- this author presents, through stories of individual young women, the flip side, the view of many young Chinese women themselves: how "going out" as they say to work in the factories presents opportunities for economic and personal advancement that wouldn't otherwise be possible. And I, for one, don't mind buying a cheaper T-shirt, realizing that it is enabling someone around the world to rise from true poverty to something approaching what we think of as a "middle class" lifestyle.

Finally, I've just started "Bird by Bird" by Anne Lamott, also on my To-Read list forever, described by my English Major friend Jordana as "the best book about writing I've ever read." I'm enjoying it a lot- so far it's talking about fiction mainly, which is quite a foreign world to me. It's like hearing a painter or composer describe the creative process- totally outside my sphere of ability, but very cool.

Okay, well, I'm up way late past my bedtime (fueled by some 11 pm coffee) so I'd better skedaddle. I seriously can't tell you how much I miss having long hours to spend composing blog entries. It makes me sad that there are so many funny things and so many cool things that I would love to write about, but I just don't have time (time = time without toddler, with TV off, with no distractions... hardly EVER happens). But you know, life goes on, and my life is full of the funny and cool and adorable, and I will choose to celebrate the Real Life that I have, even if it means giving up things that are important to me. Maybe someday I will go back and remember it all and write it for you...

Love,
Neb

PS In the days (!!) it took for me to finish this blog post, some of our friends GAVE us a swing!! And wouldn't take any money for it! It doesn't go side to side, or plug in, but hey, FREE is good, gives us more money to go towards the stroller, right? And it has a pretty green and cream toile print...

A Productivity Day!!

Because I know just how EXCITING it is for all of you to read my to-do list, here it is!!

*Clean kitchen (including refrigerator...? it's a little sticky in there...) DONE! :-)
*Clean back bathroom
*Finish cleaning master bedroom (including the closet with "Nate's stuff"...? Hmmm...) *IN PROGRESS*
*Laundry FOUR LOADS WASHED, DRIED, FOLDED and PUT AWAY!
*Sort that big plastic bag full of "random financial documents," update our car maintenance log
*Catch up on social things that I've put off while sick the last two weeks DONE! :-)
*Catch up on Maddy's pictures! Sort them, upload to photobucket, pick out some to go on the blog, and some to print... *IN PROGRESS*
*WRITE A REAL BLOG POST

Okay, that's plenty of material for probably the next TWO daysWEEK, right? Once you factor in church, nap, taking care of The Child, and the enormous amount of time I spend Eating. And Sleeping. And Coughing. And Resting because I'm tired from coughing...

I'll cross them off as I complete them! Check back for the nailbitingly exciting updates!!!!

Love, Neb

Happy Palm Sunday!

Slight smile, no eye contact. Smile sweetie, smile!!

Good eye contact... now please? SMILE?!?

Today's donkey craft from Sunday School. Within a few hours of arriving home, many of the appendages were amputated...

As the ultrasound technician put it... "'He' is actually a 'she'!"

This goes to show that INTUITION CAN BE DEAD WRONG. My intuition, anyway... I'm really, really happy for Maddy to have a sister, though. :-)

The obligatory foot shot. And it actually looks like a foot, which is nice.

In this picture, you can clearly tell that our baby is a GIRL! How can you tell? Why, those three lines of course! [No, I have no idea what anything else is in this picture, either...]

I've really got to stop reading Narnia before bedtime... so that she grows a body below her head, instead of just faun legs...

Do you see the milkshake* in her brain? Turned sideways, with a straw? It's like finding pictures in the clouds, isn't it?

Our little alien...

So, we're probably going to go with a first name of Charlotte. Suggestions for middle names are welcome, but will probably not be followed. ;-)

Love,
Neb

*Or, it could be an iced mocha from McDonalds, right? I drink those all summer...

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nate just found out he will be keeping his job at PSU another year! I AM SO EXCITED!! God is so good. Thanks to all of you who prayed for us!!

We are having a blast in Houston... pictures when I get home and can upload!

Love, Neb

Dental Work! Toddler Illness! Oh, the exciting things you read about in this blog...

I have this problem on Facebook. EVERY time I think of a good status update, I realize it either involves 1) Food- what I am eating, what I am craving, what Madelaine has just smeared all over the furniture; or 2) Bodily Malfunctions of some form or another- our sniffles, my fatigue. And, really, the fact that all of my status updates revolve around these two areas makes me think my life kind of revolves around these two things...? Which is kind of... sad? Maybe I should just do what my teenager friends do and post snippets of emo song lyrics...

So on that note! I will now tell you about our Bodily Malfunctions! And maybe some food.

So let's see, we took Maddy for her 18 month check-up last week, and the amazing news is that she actually LOST a few ounces since her 15 month visit. So I have to take her back next month for a weight check. She's about 24 1/2 lbs, which still puts her 50th percentile for weight, and she's 37th for height, so it's not like she's in danger of starvation or anything- really I think it's healthy she's slimming down now after her amazingly chubby baby days- but I am paying a little more attention now to what she eats. She usually eats most of what we give her, so maybe I should be offering more?

Her head is still off-the-charts too big, so the new pediatrician asked us to have her records sent from her old pediatrician (in the Lehigh Valley) to see if her head has always been big, and also asked Nate and I to measure our heads and call them with the measurements- apparently they can put these into an "equation" to figure out how big her head should be?!? Personally, I just think she has a big head...

So of course after the pediatrician visit, she came down with a cold (the germs!! oh, the germs!!) which has now morphed into Croup, so she is a Barking little chicken. A barking, miserable, clingy little Chicken. Poor Chicken.

And then yesterday? I went in for a marathon 2-hour dental appointment. The tooth that had the root canal a couple of weeks ago had started hurting, so they worked me in and took a look, and ended up doing both fillings (in the root canal tooth, and the one behind it) and the temporary crown. I was comfy the whole time really; just got tired of keeping my jaw open, and now my gums are a bit sore. But I am SO THANKFUL for modern dentistry... anesthetic... etc.

Food? I'm eating grapes at the moment. But I think I should post this now and go to bed... Nate's family coming to visit tomorrow. Yay!

Love,
Neb

NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

According to this cnn.com article, one of the latest victims of the sagging economy might just be...

KRISPY KREME!!!!!!

AAUUUGGHH!!!!!!!!!

Back away from the donuts, and nobody gets hurt...