recycled. still funny.... ?

I just did our federal taxes this year and was quite pleased to see that we owe less than $300!!! This is less than we've ever owed before. To celebrate, I'm digging up an email I wrote right after Tax Season 2003. Many of you received this three years ago, but, anyway, enjoy...

Hello All,

A quick trip to the post office Tuesday morning
finally brought an end to my Annual Two-Month
Mid-Life-Crisis/Nervous-Breakdown (aka Tax Season).
We're $1012 poorer- and that doesn't include my "tax
preparation expenses" [the amount I spent on flavored
coffee, aromatherapy candles, hair accessories,
long-distance phone bills (calling good friends while
hysterical :-D), brightly colored socks, "special"
bagels, photocopying, and psychotherapy bills (j/k
about that last one.)]

My accountant friend has suggested I should consider a
career in this field. I've noticed in the 1040
Instructions fine print ("Paperwork Reduction Act")
that the IRS supposedly "welcomes" my comments about
their forms. I'd like to institute a few (rather
drastic) changes to the 1040; if I send them this
guide, do you think they'd hire me? :-D

NEB
===============================================

*2002 Federal Tax Return* (Neb's Edition)

-----------------------------------------------

*Name and Address* (Optional; there's nothing wrong
with anonymity)
------------------------------------------------
*Filing Status* (Attitude)

How do you FEEL about your 2002 Federal Tax Return?
Check all that apply:

1) I am so greatful for the efficient, competent
operations of our federal bureaucracy, and happy to
contribute to its funding.
2) The IRS does a fantastic job of giving clear,
simple instructions; it's a joy to file my taxes!
3) I feel confident my tax dollars are used in the
most worthwhile and sensible manner possible.
4) All of those hard-working, courteous IRS agents
probably deserve a pay raise.
5) Other (including any commentary on options 1-4
above):
---------------------------------------------------
*Exemptions*

1) Look out your back door and count the number of
children running around.
2) Estimate how many of the occupants in your yard
might actually belong to your neighbors.
3) Subtract Line 2 from Line 1. (If the result is
negative, see Federal Form 1040 Instructions, page 62,
line 39; you may be able to take the "My Neighbors
Have Alien Offspring" Credit.)
4) Add up the total of your: pets; houseplants; cars
(but only if named, with repair bills exceeding $100
monthly); alternate personalities; imaginary friends;
named appliances (including coffeemakers and sofas);
and disfuncional/co-dependent relatives. Multiply the
result by .987654321.
5) Add lines 3 and 4. These are your TOTAL DEPENDENTS.
-----------------------------------------------------
*Income*

Include the amounts shown on your W-2. If you're
resourceful and creative enough to be self-employed,
(especially if you're working hard to quell the rising
epidemic of Math Illiteracy in this country), don't
tell us about it. Also do not feel obligated to
include bribes, lemonade stand proceeds, babysitting
earnings, bake sale profits, or drug laundering money
(as long as said drug laundering inhibits importation
from Canadian internet sources).
-----------------------------------------------------
*Adjustments*

1) "You May Be a Redneck" Sympathy Exemption
Add up the number of underfed children, empty alchohol
containers, expired welfare checks, and unregistered
firearms on your property. If the result is more than
your gross annual income, STOP; you do not owe any
tax.
2) "Lifelong Learning" Credit (aka, Career Student
exemption)
If the number of years you've spent in school is
greater than your gross annual income (in thousands),
STOP; you do not owe any tax.
3) "Low Emissions" Credit
If your personal hygiene habits are of a sufficient
nature as to not cause displeasure to those in your
immediate vicinity, multiply the annual amount you
spend on toothpaste, soap, and deoderant by 10.624 and
subtract from your income.
4) "Fiscally Responsible Citizen" Deduction
If you do not receive welfare or public assistance of
any kind, you may subtract from your income the annual
amount you spend on: housing, utilties, food,
clothing, transportation, healthcare, education, IRA
contributions, and charitable donations.
5) "Good Clean Fun" Deduction
If you have not been arrested for loitering,
vandalism, theft, assault, or DUI in the past 12
months, you may subtract from your income the annual
amount you spent on: movie tickets, sports events,
concert attendance, hobbies, vacations, or any other
legal forms of recreation.
--------------------------------------------------
*Tax Owed*

1) Subtract your total adjustments from your income.
2) Write your current checking account balance HERE.
3) Dig through your sofa and see how much loose change
you can come up with; write the result HERE.
4) Write the SMALLER of lines 2 or 3 HERE. This is
your TOTAL TAX.
---------------------------------------------------
===================================================



If the IRS sends you lemons... deduct your lemonade.

;-) NEB