38 Weeks: In Which I Attempt to Amuse You!!

Good morning, erstwhile audience!! (I have no idea what "erstwhile" means. Hopefully it is a compliment, not an insult. I mean it in the nicest possible way, okay? So no offense taken? It's just a wickedly awesome word, isn't it? Say it with me: ERSTWHILE!! There- I saw you smile! I did!!)

Maybe I'll just skip having coffee this morning. HA HA!! Pretty funny, huh?

(I can hear what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Oh please, please spare us these ERSTWHILE attempts at humor. They are so... NOT." Well, I have news for you Mr. Grumpypants McGregor: reading this blog is FREE for you! There aren't even any ADS for crying out loud! Didn't anyone ever tell you, you get what you pay for!?! So shut up and deal.)

WOW she is cranky this morning, you are thinking! Well, I respond, I am NOT cranky. Maybe a little tired. And hungry. And vomit-soaked. And Unshowered. And did I mention, tired? BUT NOT CRANKY. HAPPY! I am HAPPY! Here, I will take a picture to show you:

Do you notice that I cropped out my chin? I did not like my chin in this picture. My chin looked Fat. Thus the cropping. And here is a picture of the wee one, just 'cause:


More Numbering! Because it's my blog, and I can number if I want to!!

1) Breastfeeding! It takes approximately 267 hours a day. Sometimes it hurts a little bit and sometimes it hurts a lot. But I like it! Funny how that works, isn't it? It's very cozy (for lack of a better word) and it makes me feel good knowing that I'm giving my baby such good nutritious food. (Well. Except for the caffeine. And the lack of vitamins due to the recent complete absence of vegetables in my diet. And the occasional crack cocaine. [Kidding! Really. I eat a FEW vegetables once in a while...]) Anyway, we did have some problems getting started; namely, there was a Boycott of The Left Side* in the beginning due to its Less Appealing Milk Distribution Structures, but thanks to vigorous and persistent negotiations between Management and The Consumer [including but not limited to a full-blown Marketing Campaign that included the catchy slogan, "The Left Breast is the Best Breast!!"], we have now happily established Bimastical Eating Patterns here in the Nebiverse. [Blogger's spell-checker is claiming that "bimastical" is not a word!! Then again, it doesn't realize that Nebiverse is a word, either, so what does it know...?]

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent. In other words, this will be the blog pseudonym for my left breast. Obviously I cannot tell you the proper name of my left breast, because that would be embarrassing and inappropriate.

Also re: The Feedings: you guys know how in the last post I was all happy that the pooping/vomiting/etc factors were so mild so far? Yeah, how many of you laughed when you read that, thinking, "she has totally just jinxed the situation..."? The past day or two have witnessed a marked increase in Spit-up Volumes, which is distressing because 1) we do not have a washing machine, and we have limited [ie finite] numbers of things like baby blankets and nursing bras; 2) it is Sad to patiently nurse (or pump) for a long time, only to see most of the "good nutrition" [see above] wasted; 3) did I mention the LACK OF WASHING MACHINE?? Yeah. Daddy Nate has launched an aggressive Burping Campaign in the last week or so to combat our child's phenomenal and award-winning Gas problems, so now it's just a matter of finding the perfect combination of frequency and length of feedings, burping persistence, vertical positioning, and gas drops to ward off both the Spit-up and Gas monsters. Wish us luck!!

2) When Nate wakes me up at 2ish every morning to nurse, I am Very, Very Sleepy usually. A couple of nights ago he was talking to me, making the Camera Words again about lenses and focal length, etc etc, and finally I glare-yawned at him and said, "Your sentences must be no longer than THREE WORDS EACH!! And each word must have no more than THREE LETTERS!! Because I cannot process any more than that right now."

He gave me a mischievous look and said, "GO TO BED."
Neb: "...!!!!"
Nate: "THE HOU SE."
Neb: "What??"
Nate: "I was practicing how to say, 'the house is on fire...'"

This was hysterically, riotously funny at the time. Now we wander around the apartment saying "THE HOU SE" to each other and cracking up. Yeah. New parenthood is fun.

3) I started calling my daughter "Chicken" because this was one of her favorite poses the first week of her life:
See the resemblance?

4) Around 35 weeks I started working on a Birth Plan post, which I never got to finish because I actually, you know, GAVE BIRTH. But why not share what I had so far...?

"1) 'Who would you like to be present at the birth of your baby?'

Answer: Nate! He's a good friend to have around for things like hugs and kisses and hand-holding. Also? I know he would totally sneak me a cup of coffee if I needed it. Sara and Judy are welcome to show up too, if they want, because they are so sweet and kind and understanding, and if I called them and asked them to come and then when they got there suddenly wigged out and was like, "You must LEAVE ME NOW! I MUST BE ALONE!" they would be all understanding and patient and go with whatever and wait in the waiting room until I actually wanted them again...

2) "Would you like to be offered pain medication during labor, or do you want to use only natural comfort measures (i.e., relaxation techniques, massage, distraction)?"

Answer: Why, YES! YES I WOULD LIKE TO BE OFFERED THE PAIN MEDICATION! I WOULD LIKE THE SWEET, SWEET DRUGS PLEASE! AS SOON AS POSSIBLE! In fact, NOW would be good! Narcotics! AND an epidural! Morphine! Codeine! Whatever you've got! BRING IT! I am so ready! I mean really, it would be cool if you could start an epidural a week before my due date and leave it plugged in until Everything Has Healed, if you know what I mean! But I'll settle for IV narcotics upon arrival to the hospital and an epidural as soon as the anesthesiologist can be paged...

And after the birth? What do you offer gunshot or burn victims for pain? I'll take some of that. (What's that, you say? It will go into my breastmilk? Well, the baby won't feel any pain either, then. Good!)

3) "What other comfort measures would you like during labor? (Examples: music, dimmed lights, eating/drinking, whirlpool, walking/trying different positions...)"

Answer: Well, let's think about this. See, being as this is my first baby and all, I have never tried this labor gig before. So really it's hard for me to predict ahead of time what might be Soothing and Comforting when the time comes. Who knows? I mean I might be there for awhile and all of sudden realize that what I really need is MOTHBALLS! I need to smell MOTHBALLS RIGHT NOW!!!

So, dear Nurses and other Hospitally-type people: considering that my insurance is paying you guys A Lot Of Money to help me out with this childbirth thing, really I just think it would be nice if you could try to be prepared to accommodate my desires when the time comes, within reason at least. Who KNOWS what I might need during labor? Here are some guesses/ possibilities: Chocolate pudding! Jugglers! To touch a chenille blanket! Welsh Corgis! Blueberry muffins! Rose-scented candles! The smell of gasoline (or magic markers)! Acrobats! Celtic music! Macaroni and cheese! Reruns of "Saved by the Bell"! Monopoly!

Or: just peace and quiet...?"

5) Speaking of our insurance paying the hospital a lot of money: we got a statement from the hospital the other day showing the total charges. Are you guys ready for this? Do you know how much it costs to have a baby in a hospital these days? Sure you're sitting down?

$21,128.60.

Yes, that's in US Dollars. That's for an uncomplicated vaginal delivery and standard 48-hour stay. That includes about $9600 for "room and board"; $1800 for the epidural (a bargain at any price!!); $6400 for "labor and delivery"; and almost $500 to test the baby's hearing. All I can say is, I hope our insurance covers most of it... we have 80/20 coinsurance for the $5000 after our $1000 deductible (which we've already met), so I know we'll be paying a minimum $1K out of pocket, but I hope it's not a lot more than that. So far the insurance has been good and paid for everything pre-natal except the Group B strep test, so I'm hopeful.

6) Wondering how the Nebiverse is looking in its Contracting phase? Here's a picture from Fri. 8/24:



And a close-up:


The bizarre thing is, after having the baby my body felt so SMALL to me all of a sudden... so I was kind of shocked when I got on the scale a few days after coming home and weighed 163. That's still 22 lbs more than pre-pregnancy weight!! But a few days later I weighed 154, then 153... so there is definitely some fluid loss and things going on. I also now fit back in my pre-pregnancy jeans, which is good because otherwise I would have nothing to wear!! (Have been somewhat wardrobe-disoriented; still reaching for the maternity clothes out of habit, discovering that they're too baggy, but then not being able to figure out- what in the world did I WEAR before I was pregnant...? It's like I no longer know how to put together outfits from my regular wardrobe. Bizarre, huh?) So I feel really small, but on the other hand my stomach is amazingly soft and flabby. Hello, abdominal muscles?? You were never great and mighty, but have you vanished altogether now?!? I am SO not into doing crunches...

7) Okay, to prove that I still have A Working Mind that can think about things non-baby-related, I was going to write a nice paragraph here critiquing The Number One Ladies Detective Agency series that I'm reading (Yes, I read! It is one of the few things I can do while nursing and pumping). However, this post is already Long! And I am Sleepy again! Also, the sproguelet is waking up! And I haven't pumped yet this morning! And I need to clean my house before my family comes! So without further ado, I bid thee all, FAREWELL!

Love,
Neb

PS "Erstwhile" means "former; of times past." Like my ability to Think! And be funny! Ha ha.