Nigerian tutoring spam...?

So, a few weeks ago I posted an add on craigslist for math tutoring. Most of the responses I've gotten so far have been like this:

"Hello, I'm Rev.Yunah Lee that needs a tutor for my child base on your advert.Rapheal is 19 year old and easily watch .Although,i understand you are in United StatesOf America, i've arranged with my cousin living in the state concerning my son staying with him during the whole period of lessons from the Netherlands and he had agreed with me.Below are the following details requested from you for the lesson:

1)Your Picture,Residence Address and Phone Numbers

2)Total Charges of tutoring for 2 months(1 hour per day /3 days in a week)
3)Teaching Experience.

Payment is Via Cashier's Check or Money Order,

Awaiting your response Asap

God Bless"

So, Rev. Yunah Lee- perhaps you misunderstood. I tutor mathematics, not English, which is obviously a more pressing academic need in your family. Though your 19-year-old is "easily watched"...? (or "makes watches easily...?" one really can't be too sure), I can assure you that it would be a much better use of my time to stick to kids that live within a few miles of my home, and a much better use of your money to find a LOCAL tutor for him in your home country (the Netherlands? although you seem to ambiguously indicate that the proposed lessons, not your son, are "from the Netherlands.") Furthermore, though your cousin lives "in the state" and has graciously agreed to host his nephew, I doubt highly that his residence is in any geographic proximity to mine; though it's possible that you searched the correct edition of craiglist close to your cousin, all evidence from the rest of your communication in regard to your mental capabilities and competence would deem it highly unlikely.

No doubt in your next email you will arrange generous payments directly into my bank account- once you've ascertained the account number, that is.

Better luck next time!
Peeved, Legitimate Math Tutor

Hello, Good day to you over there,Hope all is fine there.... I need a tutor for my son (John) for the month of (June) to July, I will like him to start by the end of this month or early july...I got your advert while surfing through the internet and i really want my child to be taught by you...John is 14 year old and easily catch up. He is nice, humble and very easy to get along with. I am living in Canada with my wife (Mary). John is going for a lesson in Romania which he will be finishing next week or probably next two weeks. I will like you to take him on lesson after he conclude on the lesson he is attending in Romania. Kiindly get back to me with......
1.I WILL LIKE TO KNOW YOUR CHARGE FOR AN HOUR....2.THE TOTAL CHARGES FOR 1 MONTH THAT HE WILL BE TAUGHT THREE TIMES PER WEEK.. 3.YOUR FULL NAME AND ADDRESS WITH ZIP CODE....4.YOUR PHONE NUMBER...

Mr Roy Smith

Why, hello, Mr. Roy (Smith). How are (you) today? Though (John) has so many admirable virtues- indeed, being "easily catch up" is almost as good as being "easily watch," isn't it?- I would nicely and humbly suggest that you find a tutor for him in Canada. Or Romainia, if that is your educational location of choice. I can assure you that the services I provide are not worth international plane fare, and can be effectively offered by professionals in your local community. Please do get help for your family, somewhere, though, as it is clear that the necessity to ask Question #2 would be removed given an accurate answer to Question #1 and a rudimentary knowledge of basic arithmetic.

Kiindly spam someone else for a change,
Friendly Math Tutor

Hello,
How are you doing? Hope things are good with you? My name is Michael Jefferson. I saw your advert concerning the coaching/lesson you listed to lecture anyone who is ready or who is lacking the knowledge . I have a daughter whose name is Tonia Jefferson, she is the only daughter that I have. I want the best for her in terms of education. She finished her first school in united states, but she grew up with her step mum in spain because her mum died in a car accident on her way to california for a conference meeting.so thats why I married another wife so she wont grow up knowing anyone as her mother and I love her so much. Presently I'm still in WEST AFRICA with her and her STEP mum. Im so sorry for saying all this, but im just saying it because I want the best for her , I will want you to me answer these important questions below so I can know the next step for you to start the lecturing...

1. How many months do you intend lecturing her ?
2. Please do you have a degree because i will need someone that is qualified?
3. How much do you charge per hour for lectures ?
4. How much is the charge/fee per month ?
5. I will need a closer Motel/Hotel close to your location, or any in the city ?
6. Do you prefare home lecture or she will come to you ?
7. Are you a male or female ?
8. Most especially, is the space for lecture still available ?
9. Whats the closest airport she can have her flight scheduled to from here?

I want you to answer these questions as soon as possible and I will wait for your response . Thanks for your anticipated cooperation.
Michael Jefferson

My esteemed Mr. Jefferson,

Perhaps my willingness to "lecture anyone who is ready or who is lacking the knowledge" should begin with you. Are you ready? You are certainly in lack of some very basic knowledge. First of all, as mentioned to previous enquirers: it isn't worth it to travel from somewhere like West Africa for my services, really, it isn't! Though it's certainly tempting and gratifying to think that my skills as a math tutor have merited international acclaim, the harsher voice of reason would indicate that a more likely explanation is that you are simply a Slimy, Spammy Toad. Furthermore, as you apologetically admit too late, it is not necessary for you to burden me with the details of your family life, as they are not pertinent to the matter at hand. (One is rather reminded of the painfully intricate and sordid family histories that are recounted on such television programs as "Judge Joe Brown"- narratives that immediately precede a completely logically independent decision about a car loan.) However, as you did choose to unburden your tale of relational angst upon me, I must comment that the lack of reasoning skills inherent in the following statement:

thats why I married another wife so she wont grow up knowing anyone as her mother

really rather make me despair of assisting you or any one of your blood relations with a subject inherently founded on logic.

I am most decidedly Female,
Uncooperative Math Tutor

Greetings,

How are you doing today ,i can read your description and i am very impress and interested in your lesson you advert on www.craigslist.org ,my son is coming for an holiday pension in your area,he is 16 years old and he know a little about the lesson for private lesson, so i don't want him to be less busy in the time of the day and i have decide to let him atending your lesson ,so he will becoming 2hours in a day(9 am to 11 am) or time that you will have chance,so i want you to calculate the cost for 1 week and send me the total cost and i will be paying you with US Cashier Cheque that will be easy for you to cash in your country,so get back to me with your cost of 2 hours per day.I will like to hear from you soon via my email address.

Best Regard

Looking forward to read for you
Ken

Dear Ken,

Clearly you take great pride in your basic literacy skills- indeed, I must say that I am also "very impress" with your abilities!- but really it is such a pity that your capacity to WRITE the English language falls so far short. I must confess that I am wholly unfamiliar with the concept of "holiday pension"...? If you had said that your son was "on holiday" I would understand you to be a speaker of proper British English, but the rest of your message makes me think that your own lack of fluency, not my ignorance of international English, is at fault. Though I understand the desire to keep a 16-year-old from being "less busy in the time of the day," perhaps other occupations of his time would be more appropriate than math tutoring. Might I suggest ESL? Or a first-grade grammar book? If his compositional abilities far exceed yours, his time would best be spent mentoring you in the art of the written word, with prayers from many that you might learn, in time, to not slaughter the English language every time you sit down at a keyboard.

Though you generously express your anticipation to "read for me," I fear that is a pleasure I will have to forego, as I cannot at this time afford the services of a qualified audiologist to repair the inevitable ensuing damages.

Thanks awfully,
Literate Math Tutor

Greetings,

How are you doing today ,i can read your description and i am very
impress and interested in your lesson you advert on www.craigslist.org ,my
son is coming for an holiday pension in your area,he is 16 years old
and he know a little about the lesson for private lesson, so i don't
want him to be less busy in the time of the day and i have decide to let
him atending your lesson ,so he will becoming 2hours in a day(9 am to 11
am) or time that you will have chance,so i want you to calculate the
cost for 1 week and send me the total cost and i will be paying you with
US Cashier Cheque that will be easy for you to cash in your country,so
get back to me with your cost of 2 hours per day.I will like to hear
from you soon via my email address.

Best Regard

Looking forward to read for you

James David

My Dear Mr. David,

Do you happen to have a twin brother named Ken? Your writing style seems awfully familiar.

Yours truly,
Wary Math Tutor