Thursday, December 20, 2007

*WARNING* Contains graphic information. Do not read this while you are eating!!

Whitehall, PA- A massive diaper leak this morning in the home of an area 4-month-old left thousands in the tri-state area homeless and rescue workers scrambling to clean up the mess, as record-breaking amounts of yellowish-green liquid poop covered an area "close to the size of New Jersey," according to one official.

The disaster, which many are already calling "the worst in recent history," started around 11:42 a.m. after an uneventful morning of typical babyhood activity. The infant in question, one Madelaine Elimae, was nursing on her mother's lap when the mother (identified only by the alias "Neb") reports "suddenly feeling something warm- disturbingly, really warm- on my lap. But I hadn't heard the typical pooping noises so didn't think much of it for a couple of minutes. Then when I looked, I saw it... it was horrible, just horrible."

Neb reports that a lake of raw liquid sewage had formed on her flannal pajama pants [ironically, near the scene of where a couple of chocolate chips had accidently gotten ground in last night], and that specks of poop were visible on the upholstered computer desk chair. When the baby was taken to the changing table for triage assessment, it was determined that amazingly, only 10% of the total fecal matter was actually contained IN the child's diaper- the rest was on her clothing, Neb's clothing, the furniture... and now the changing table cover.

Neb immediately took steps to remedy the situation.

"My first instinct was to call my mom, but I'd left the internet running so that option was out. Then I thought about waking up my husband, but I knew he was tired, so I decided to pull myself together and act like the 'Grown-Up Person'/Mother I really am."

Neb first evacuated the changing table of items like clothes and toys that were in the wake of the disaster, trying to minimize collateral damage. She then removed the baby's diaper and clothing, working layer by layer and using several boxes of baby wipes to remove as much of the gruesome material as possible.

"In every rescue operation of this kind, there's inevitably a crisis once the clothing is off and the diaper is opened: how to get the poop off the baby's BACK without then setting her back down into the puddle of poop formed on the changing table?"

Neb's solution in this particular case was to prop the baby up, clean her back with wipes, and then lay the child naked on the floor while drawing a bath and taking the risk that there would be no further elimination activity for the next couple of minutes. "It's a horrible risk to take," she said, "but it's the only way to make progress in the recovery efforts."

While experts praise Neb's calm, efficient response to the crisis, they also suggest that she is the one responsible for its occurrence in the first place. Says Wipsey McPamper'em, Chief of the National Diaper Leak Management Organization, "It's really the mother's poor diapering skills that are to blame for disasters of this kind. We usually see a much higher level of Diapering Competence in mothers of four-month-olds; this situation is just really an anomaly."

Friends who know the family well state that the father, known to some as "Nate," has much more normal diapering abilities, but that nearly every diaper Neb puts on results in what one neighbor described as "a poop inferno." "She just laughs it off," the unnamed source said. "She uses lots of Oxy-Clean and Shout Advanced Formula Stain Remover, and says that those get all the stains out of the baby's clothing."

But McPamper'em says that employing these kinds of strategies is a poor substitute for addressing the root problem: Maternal Diapering Incompetence, or, the more PC term, "Dysdiaperia." "Clearly the individual in this instance needs a lot of assistance in the form of Diapering Re-education. I mean, come on- she felt something REALLY WARM and didn't even react immediately to try to contain the spread of fluid? Any more experienced mother would recognize that poop can be so liquified that it DOESN'T make any noise coming out- and that in fact, these are some of the most deadly incidents."

Officials say that the soiled articles were collected in numerous grocery bags, awaiting to be sprayed down and laundered, but that the upholstered chair could only be spot-cleaned. Meanwhile, those displaced and left without clothes because of the incident received assistance from the American Red Cross in the form of warm showers/baths and clean clothing. Household Scheduling Management officials estimated that the total time spent cleaning up the disaster was close to a staggering half hour.

As for Neb, she says she's recovering from the incident with "...a lot of humor. Also some decaffeinated coffee with non-alchoholic Vanilla Rum creamer."

Baby Madelaine, just minutes before The Incident.

Note the Cuteness of the Outfit. Note it!!

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Nothing a little Chocolate Chip Brownie Crust Cheesecake and Vanilla Spiced Rum* Coffee won't solve!!

GOOD MORNING!! Nebiverse fans. Does anyone actually still read this blog?? Are you out there? Say hi if you're still there.

1) My child's fingernails! Oh, how they grow. How I try to trim them. How I accidently clip the edge of her finger once in a while, causing her to scream and me to writhe in torments of motherly angst!! [Aside: blogger's spell-checker is telling me that "accidently" is spelled wrong? But it thinks "accident" is correct? accidentlly? No, it doesn't like that either (and neither do I.)] The result: most of the time she has Claws. This means that living with my child is rather like living with a non-declawed kitten, but a kitten who wants to snuggle and cuddle and be held all the time, and drink milk out of sensitive parts of my body. Oh, the claw marks! The scratches! But somehow from my baby, I don't really mind.

2) I am so Busy! With the Christmas Project(s?)!! That I can't tell you about here! Because the intended recipients read this blog!

3) I finished Till We Have Faces. So very, very good. Want to re-read immediately. However, no time! See: Christmas Project(s?) above.

4) I have been Happy for the past 36 hours because I Vacuumed Thursday night. My entire outlook on life changes when I Vacuum. Isn't that disturbing?

5) My husband did not get the job from the nice government organization. :-( But God will provide something! And his wonderful wonderful adviser found Grant Money from the sky to pay him in December for work he's been doing. You know what this means: Santa Claus money!! I didn't realize how much fun it is to play Santa Claus and buy baby toys. :-) Want to see what we got???

Fisher-Price Listen-Up-RoundsAlso, Look-a-Rounds; I'll spare you the picture, which is completely similar.
And the Roll-a-Rounds Pull & Spin Caterpillar:

and the plane:

[Aside: why does every toy nowadays have to be marketed with "developmental benefits for baby"? I am not selecting toys for my child based on their ability to "develop motor skills" or "encourage hand-eye coordination" or teach her things like the alphabet and numbers. I select toys based on how much FUN they look like to play with. Is it just me? I mean babies learn things like eye-hand coordination naturally, don't they? Fisher-Price and the other toy companies make it sound like if we don't buy THE RIGHT TOYS our child will be an inert lump of non-functioning flesh at 12 months. I don't believe them!!]

And a Basic Rubber Ball from Walmart. 94 cents, friends!!

And this little piano:
So, I would like to get a storybook or two and maybe a puzzle to add to the loot, but it might or might not happen in time. It's okay though because I have a sneaky suspicion her grandparents just might be doing a little shopping too. And our apartment will only hold so many toys!!

6) My child went to the pediatrician Monday! She is 14 lbs 10 oz, 25.5 inches long, putting her in the 75th percentile for both weight and height for 4 month olds. Not bad for a preemie!! She has almost tripled her birthweight, and, as I suspected, is perfectly height-weight proportional. Also: her head is in the 95th percentile. Clearly she has plenty of room for visions of sugarplums. :-)

We also were told that her right eye appears to be turning outward, and that they would check again at her 6 month checkup and if necessary make an appointment for her with a pediatric opthomologist. Nate had lots of vision problems as a kid, and vision therapy helped him a lot, so I'm glad that if she does have a problem, at least they've caught it early. Still, I'm a little apprehensive about it, not really welcoming the thought of glasses and patching at an early age and the possibility of eye surgery somewhere down the road. But I know God is wanting me to rely on Him and have a good attitude about it, and when I think about these things I always welcome a chance to learn to trust Him a little more.

It's funny because I think if it were someone else's kid's eyes, I would think "Hmm, not such a big deal, is it?" But it's MY baby's eyes. Motherhood changes everything.

Love, Neb

*This is a non-alchoholic beverage. No infants were inebriated through the consumption of this beverage.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Today's Top Ten

1) I think my child is getting Teeth!
2) This means we will have to have a Talk about Proper Nursing Techniques with Teeth.
3) This talk will be completely one-sided! Because 4-month-olds do not speak or understand English!
4) I take that back; they seem to understand approximately as much English as a dog (ie tone of voice, a few key words)
5) It is Snowing! This makes me Happy. :-)
6) I had two homemade chocolate chip cookies for breakfast. With milk! Now time for Coffee.
7) Today I am planning to make a Wish List for Madelaine for Christmas!
8) I have still not done Laundry! Today's Laundry Alert Level is Red!
9) If I do not get a haircut soon, I will officially have a Mullet. This makes me Concerned!
10) I have used way too many exclamation points in this post. But It's My Blog, and I Can Exclaim If I Want To!

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Updating!! (From that title, you know this is going to be dull, don't you??)

GREETINGS, loyal Nebiverse fans!!

Oh, how I neglect you all. Sorry about that. Life! Life happens, you know!

Here's today's forecast in the Nebiverse:

Breakfast: Irish Cream coffee, [part of] chocolate chip muffin
Child: Happy, burbly, drooly, wearing adorable purple overalls with feet!
Christmas tree: Installed!

Today's Music: The Essential Simon and Garfunkel; anything Christmas-y
Today's Crisis: Laundry! We did not do laundry this weekend! I do not have any more clean nursing bras!! Or nursing pads! The child is almost out of clothes that fit!!
Today's Solution: Improvise! Go to 3-6 months clothing for child; Come Up With Something for myself. [Note to self: NOT a reason to skip exercising/showering routine!! Don't do it!!]
Question for moms of small children out there: what do you do with the baby while you shower? I mean, I could leave her in a Safe Place while I shower and just hope she doesn't cry for 15 minutes... (that includes dressing and undressing time, you know). I usually try to shower when Nate's around to keep an eye on her, but that's not always practical...
On today's agenda: Dust and vacuum! Clean up disastrous bedroom! mop the kitchen floor!
I am loving: Till We Have Faces
Reason I have to go now: Child's status has deteriorated to Fussy
Reason I have one more minute to upload pictures: Child's status upgraded to "Mixed Fussiness with Hints of Happiness" due to installation in Neglect-o-matic swing.

Merry Christmas, world.
Love you,