So apparently, our child's head is still in the "100th percentile."
[What? That's the sound of my Inner Mathematician weeping.]
The chicken has always had quite the noggin, but this was the first time anyone has actually commented on it. The New Pediatrician looked at the chart, looked quizzically at Madelaine's head, took out her tape measurer and tried to measure again a couple of times, asked us if she had always had a big head, looked at the chart again, and asked us if she had ever had a head ultrasound.
Huh?!?
I tried to reassure her, and dredged up from my memory that we also got a "100th percentile" announcement at her nine month visit (albeit with much less drama and fanfare.) She seemed appeased.
Later:
Doctor: "So does she drink from a cup?"
Me: "No, she's just nursing."
Doctor: "Does she drink whole milk?"
Me: "No, she's just nursing."
Doctor: "But I mean, at mealtimes...? What does she drink?"
Me: "She eats food at the table, and then she nurses. She doesn't really drink water or anything- she's just nursing."
Doctor: "So how many times a day does she nurse?"
Me: "Oh, all the time, at least 20...?"
Doctor: "And she nurses a lot at night, too?"
Me: "Yes, all night..."
Doctor: [stopping typing, paying attention now]: "You really need to try to stop that. It will interfere with her growth, Blah Blah Blah..."
Me: "You mean, she'll get too big, or she won't grow fast enough?" [Chicken is now 24 lbs 9 oz, 30 inches tall, which puts her in the fifty-something-eth percentile for height, eighty-something-eth for weight.]
Doctor: "[Something indecipherable] growth hormones secreted at night [something indecipherable]. Plus, she needs her sleep, and you need your sleep, she needs 8-10 hours of sleep a night..."
Me: "Oh, she and I both get plenty of sleep- she sleeps in bed with me, on a mattress on the floor."
Doctor: [Stunned silence. Lots of typing in computer.] "So... she's not drinking from a cup. She's still nursing at night. [More typing.] And you said she's not walking yet?"
Me: "Right."
Doctor: [Silence. Typing.]
I can just see her notes now... "Significant developmental delays. Parents resistant to behavioral modification. Reassess at next visit."
Later:
Doctor [reading from computer screen]: "Be sure you keep cleaning supplies out of reach lock cabinets use outlet covers don't leave her alone in the water don't let her play outdoors by herself when someone nearby is using heavy equipment like a lawnmower [Ed note: ???] praise her good behavior ignore temper tantrums push-pull toys are good baby can eat foods you eat but peanuts popcorn raisins are a choking hazard and should be avoided keep her out of the kitchen while you're cooking do you have any questions?"
Us: "Nope, I think we're good to go here..."
[Honestly... couldn't they just come up with a drive-through vaccination service? It would save us time...]
Neb
1 comment:
I had several questions, but, as they have expletives in them, I'll share as many here as I shared there.
I'm not bothered by "Somebody is making my kid sound imperfect, grrrr!" I don't care if she's freak. My problem is something that bugged me literally decades before I even had a kid-- people who can survive years of education but can't bend their heads around how a good deal of 'normal' in child development is either arbitrary or socially constructed. I mean, these people are medical doctors. They think they're smart. Some of them even are.
I'd like to hold a class for the poor doctors. We'll start with how much we can infer from statistical distributions having average fluctuations on the order of the size of the measurements, then add some discussion of influence of social norms on developmental theories. Doctors shouldn't just take the class. They shouldn't be allowed to practice medicine until they know enough to teach the class.
Post a Comment