Kirkegaard would be proud...

It's official. I have a Lehigh email address. I'm going back to graduate school. I'm becoming a student of Mathematics again.

I'm in chapter three of the Linear Algebra book, the one purchased specifically to review (and learn a lot for the first time) this summer. And the further I go, the more I realize how much I must Go Back; the faster I try to go, the more I realize I should be going Slowly. Math is not a good-old-fashioned American-style CV workout (complete with overpriced personal trainer and cute workout clothes) designed to be over and done with quickly so you can make it to McDonald's before they close. Math is Pilates; Yoga; Zen meditation. Math is Control. Balance. Inner Strength. Patience. Depth and thoroughness and above all, Purity.

As Dr. Srinivasan once said, "Everything is in pieces." Everything is a wreck right now. I've dutifully made notes on the major definitions and theorems, tried to review them frequently to let everything sink in, and patiently worked the problems, but as I come to write some of the proofs, I realize the most important element is missing: Structure. I know some or most of the Facts, barely, shakily, but I am significantly lacking in that which is the Foundation of the whole program- knowledge of the structure of definition and postulate linked by logic to theorem. And that kind of knowledge, that level of depth of understanding, does not arise from rapid progress through the Text in accordance with an optimistically idealized summer schedule.

We have this strange, quaint little idea in school that if you can pass a course, you have gained Knowledge. Some people raise the bar a bit and say if you can get an A in a course, you have gained Knowledge. I beg to differ. Getting an A in a course in usually approximately equal to the first line of the first paragraph of the Preface to Knowledge of a subject. You do not Know a subject until you have mastered it so deeply that you can raise your head from where you stand and look up and around and see all the things surrounding you, far into the distance. You do not Know a subject until you dream about it and can see it and feel it and taste it and touch it upside down and backwards and without using your eyes and ears and fingers at all, for it is planted in your Soul. You do not Know a subject until you know it like you know your own Lover and your Instincts and the insides of your own Heart.

And this makes me wonder, why do we play around so much? Who ever heard of covering so many chapters of Algebra in a mere 15 weeks? I think 15 years would be a better time frame. Mathematics is a perfect system, and it deserves a lot better than these shallow, superficial games we play called "courses" and "degrees."

Studying math makes me realize that the Perfectionism that screws around every other area of my life, like my relationships and my writing and my housekeeping, has a Home and a place and a purpose. I am a Perfectionist for a reason, and that reason is that I am meant to study math. But that drive that gives me the desire to be a good Student of math also makes me a really poor student in school. At Wheaton I turned in most of my assignments late, because I wanted them to be right; I wanted them to be Perfect. I could see a bigger and broader picture than simply passing a course and getting a grade and moving on. I know that some people were able to set that standard and attain that level while sticking to the artificially prescribed schedule set by the Establishment, but, I was not one of them. Frankly, I'm not all that "smart" because I'm really, really slow to process and understand and learn and figure things out. I don't think that's a fact I can change. But my slowness isn't something that will make me lower my standards. As Asher Lev said, "I will not be the whore to my own existence."

In his "automathography," Paul Halmos speaks of the danger or having other Loves or commitments or passions, especially in certain phases of your mathematical career (like the first year of grad school ;-) ). But that makes me realize- commitment to Math, done properly, would preclude a lot of other commitments and passions, wouldn't it? What about being a good wife? What about having kids? What about being a good Writer?

What about studying the Bible?

So now I am wondering: if Doing It Right is such a monumental undertaking, is getting a Master's Degree really what I'm after? Maybe I'd be better off studying Calculus the rest of my life. Over and over and over again. Slowly, repetively, until I really Know it. I don't know if I'll have Time for much beyond that.

I might be ready for Linear Algebra when my grandchildren are born.